Dorgi

You're living with a dog who is basically two long dogs stacked on top of each other's lack of legs — a Dachshund-Corgi mix that is somehow even closer to the ground than either parent, with a body that goes on for days and ears that could pick up satellite signals. Your Dorgi trots through the house like a furry submarine with legs, and Queen Elizabeth herself kept these little oddballs at Buckingham Palace, which means your couch potato with the crooked smile has genuine royal lineage. They've got the Corgi's bossy confidence and the Dachshund's stubborn refusal to do anything they haven't personally approved, wrapped up in a package that looks like someone stretched a teddy bear on a pasta machine. They will follow you from room to room not because they're clingy but because they are conducting a security sweep and also checking if you have snacks. You didn't get a dog — you got a twelve-inch-tall palace guard with a Napoleon complex and an extremely loud opinion about dinner being late.